Airline Slogans
I'm trying to work out a slogan for Continental Airlines. It needs to be in the spirit of the other airline slogans:
* America West: "Least effort possible"
* Southwest: "Share a sardine can with the great unwashed"
*United: Un-tied Airlines
* Ted: "Have a Southwest experience on United"
Why, you ask, does Continental deserve such an honor?
Well, a funny thing happened to me on the way to Caracas this morning. It had been a while since I've had a major travel crisis.
Past crisises have included the Tampa two-step - stop the plane or I'll iron your clothes incident (Mom, please find that and forward it on). Then we have losing paper tickets in Washington DC (thank you again Aimee). There must also be mention of the Santiago "propina creativas" incident (my boss chewed me out for using the word "bribe"). And of course, the "cellular pre-pago" incident where I feebly tried to negotiate the purchase of a mobile phone with very bad Spanish skills (I am still in Sr. Daniel's debt for his help on that one).
BTW: I've lost the write-up on that one. Can someone send it to me? I'd lose my ass if it weren't attached.
So back to today - destination: Caracas de Republica Bolivariana de Venezuela. Land of Dubbya's doppleganger on the left. Owner of Citgo oil.
Four weeks ago, I booked a ticket to this bastion of American and British sentimentality. I was supposed to leave on Sunday, 19 February. The itenerary was from Eugene to Denver, and Denver to Houston on United. From Houston to Caracas, I would be on Continental. I booked my ticket so I could get the necessary visa (remember Dubbya and El Presidente Chavez are bowling buddies).
All was grand, and I was to arrive to run the Caracas airport gauntlet (no kidding - see the consular info sheets at http://travel.state.gov ) at 23:00 on Sunday. Then our illusrtious airline Continental decided to change its schedule on flight 1666 (hmm...interesting last three digits) and get me into Caracas on Monday at 06:30. That wouldn't work - I had to be onsite at 08:00, and its a three hour drive from the Airport to the Hotel. Besides, it takes at least 30 minutes to get through la migra when you are a citizen of the country you are entering, let alone one that has a close working relationship with yours- like the US does with Venezuela.
If you haven't figured out the sarcasm yet, Dubbya and Chavez hate each other with a passion. The only reason that we probably haven't invaded yet is because Venezuela is a MAJOR supplier of cheap oil to the US. Well, that and we are too busy trying to get another major supplier of oil to be our buddy. That relationship started when we decided to just make shit up and send in the troops.
(Music plays..) Hey now I don't give a damn, next stop is Vi....
Whoops, I digress. I should be careful, as the dipshit in chief may be listening in.
So I have a flight change that just isn't going to work anymore. This is why I have a travel agent. I call her, she fixes it, I go off to la la land, etc. etc. Wendy is the best - she pulls rabbits out of hats all the time. It took her some time, but the itinerary was changed. She just moved everything to Saturday rather than Sunday to get down to Caracas. She did battle so that I didn't have to. The downside was that I lost an entire weekend, and it was a 20 hour transit time with an 8 hour layover in Dubbya's Daddy's airport. "What the hell," I figured.
Now at roughly the same time that Continental is fucking with me, I contact the site in Venezuela to introduce myself, get an agenda rolling and the ususal happy hose shit. I sent off an email saying hello, and I let him know what my flight itinerary was. A week later, I get a response. The guy was pissed that I had the nerve to book my own flight. How dare I! What's more he thinks that he can get it cheaper on his end. In reality, I had him beat by $200 US.
I replied back the same day, told him the flight was my perogative, and it had not been within the bounds of the visit for him to handle my travel. I did ask if he would like to book the hotel though.
Two weeks pass, it's Thursday, and I am leaving in less than 48 hours. Now he decides to do the hotel thing on his end. Jesus Christ!
So, the guy wants to play travel agent, eh? Fine. Two can play that game. He will be booking my April trip next week or I will. And after today, first class is looking REALLY good.
Needless to say, I really do not want to have to call this guy. He also has his armed security meeting me at the airport to boot. I really do not want to have to call the security guy either.
So Friday night, 17 Feb, I do my laundry and re-pack my bags. I got to bed at midnight, thinking I will make up the 4 hours of sleep I am going to get on tomorrow's flights. I was scheduled to leave Eugene at 06:00, which means I am up and at 'em at 04:00.
So I get to the airport this morning to go on the trip to Hades. When the gate agent opens up my res, he gets a funny look on his face.
"Hmm.." he says, "I can't see your flights or anything. Are you on a paper ticket?"
"No" I said. (I haven't screwed that pooch since DC)
He makes his obligatory phone call to whomever it is that they call when they are stumped, and they tell him the reservation is good, but all the flights are cancelled. It looks like when the flight was changed way back, the United legs of this trip were cancelled.
(Side note: Wendy my travel agent is not responsible for this cluster fuck. More about who is later)
Holy plane crashes Batman! This is fucked up. I begin to look for a bar that serves at 05:00. I need a drink, and its noon somewhere.
So while figuring out what my drinking options were (none...double fuck!), I called the 24 hour number for my travel agency. I have 45 minutes to make my flight. 30 minutes later, I get someone.
The person was nice, and very helpful. (I forget her name...we'll call her 24hr travel agent) She digs into it a bit further, and finds that Continental has taken over as the issuer of the ticket. What's more, Continental has me leaving on Sunday, the 19th so that I can connect in Houston, Saturday the 18th to go to Caracas.
Yes, you read the dates correctly. I was to leave home the day AFTER my connection left. What's more, United had me listed as cancelled, and only Continental could re-instate the ticket.
George Carlin would call this a Mongolian Cluster Fuck. Others would say I'm buggered sideways with a bargepole. I said, "¡por la concha que tiembla de la madre de Christo!" I was began to think I was about to go completely bat shit.
So, the travel agent calls Continental to smack heads around. I'm on hold, and chain smoking at this point. If push comes to shove, Delta has a route into Caracas today for $1600 US. But I would still have to call the end client (Sr. Last minute travel) and tell him the flight was different. Also, I might not be able to get the new costs covered under the Airline's "we fucked up" code of conduct.
With 5 minutes to go, the 24 hour travel agent comes back on the line and tells me to RUN to the UA counter. She has a reservartion number from Continental that was confirmed by United.
However, Continental fucked up again. Michaell Williams of Seattle was the name on that reservation. He is going to have a bad day as well--he thought he was going to LA.
Not any more - see you in Venezuela buddy! Misery loves company!
So, 10 minutes after my outbound flight closes, United finds the new reservation. The number had nothing to do with what Continental thought it was. So, its time for me to begin the offers of prostitution to get to Caracas today. I asked the ticket agent if she could help, while the travel agent (again, not Wendy - but almost as good) did her thing. I told them both I would bear THEIR children.
Humor can be good in these situations. You see, both the 24 hour travel agent, and the United ticket agent were female. I was already using the meek, humble, "let me kiss your ass" voice and mannerisms. Now I put on the puppy dog eyes and and tried willing myself to sweat.
It worked.
The gate agent saw my status on United, and called someone who gave a shit at corporate reservations. THEY called Continental and smacked heads. I have never had an airline do battle for me with another airline. I tought they all colluded to fuck with the lot of us in cattle class.
So here I am, on a Continental plane from Portland to Houston, and now with only a 3 hour lay-over in Houston.
...Maybe I should turn on the wireless to the email device I am writing this on, and see if cell phones really do make planes crash...
More from Caracas...this week looks like it's going to be HEAPS of fun!
