Another TSA Alert...

Language butchery by Mr Rich on  16.8.06 @ 13:20

This one came from: http://staunton.livejournal.com/64409.html

16 August 2006 @ 09:57 am
Hooray, First Amendment!  
You know what would be cool? Working for The Onion. If you know anybody that works for them, you should totally pass this on.


UNDISCLOSED LOCATION, AUGUST 17: Airports across the country, already reeling from the liquids ban of just a few weeks ago, were again thrown into chaos today, as local agents of the FBI claim they have uncovered evidence of a widespread terrorist plot to plant thousands of venomous snakes on commercial airliners all over the country. According to Jim Jameson, FBI Agent, "this plot is really widespread, and very far along. When we cross-checked the first solid rumor we got against our newest terror-detection tool, the Government Operated Online Global Link Extractor .com, it instantly returned well over 17,300,000 hits."
Jameson went on to note in a press release that the plan was "al-Queda-esque," and said he hoped that would trigger a reaction from the White House at bonus time. At the time of the press conference, no suspects were in custody.
Acting on information from the FBI, national airports were again thrown into disarray today, as the TSA immediately banned all snakes from carry-on baggage. The ban was further extended to all reptiles and amphibians, and will remain in place indefinitely, though exceptions have been made for legitimate service reptiles. Numerous complaints have already been lodged about the new restrictions. "It's crazy," said Cathy Birmingham, as she dug frantically through her carry-on, "I always travel with at least three frogs and an iguana. Now I get to the airport, and they tell me my animals will have to travel in my checked bag. I want someone to explain to me how exactly I'm supposed to commit an act of terror with a two-foot lizard."
TSA officials are apologetic about the situation, but insist that it's best for the safety of the general public. A spokesperson for the TSA, speaking on condition of anonymity, admitted that current airport security measures are not up to the task of screening for poisonous reptiles.
Finally, adding fuel to the controversy, noted celebrity and haberdasher-aficionado Samuel L. Jackson has been seen making the rounds of both day and evening talk shows, repeating his message: "They're motherfucking snakes! On a motherfucking plane!"

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